Speak Boris, Speak

We have a Rottweiler named Boris who is very big and oafy (or is it spelled ophy)... anyway, for some reason he was the most difficult dog ever to train.  He is just simple.  He can sit, shake, and lay down, but for some reason the command speak just perplexes him.  So, yesterday we were in the kitchen (me, brian and bailey) and Bri was trying to get Boris to speak.  He had a treat in the air and was like "Speak Boris" and Boris starts to run around in a circle and sit down.  nooooo..."Speak Boris."   He runs over to bailey, steps on Bay's toes with his tallons (gigantic nails) and sits down on bay's feet.  Noooooo, ..."Speak Boris."  He comes over to me and nudges my hand.  Nooooo..."Speak Boris"  he lays down.  "Wait," I say, "Let me show him, I'll speak and you pretend to give me the treat."  Brian, "Speak Jenn, Speak"  Me:  "Wooooooffff".....Brian "good girl"  Pretends to feed me the treat....All the while Boris is watching us....Good try it again.  Brian, "Speak Jenn, Speak" Me: Wooooooffff.....Brian "good girl" Pretends to feed me the treat.  Okay B, your turn, ..."Speak Boris" He runs out of the room and doesnt come back... Brian looks at me..."He left."  End of Speaking lesson.

Ihop and open wounds

So, one of my favorite people to blog about will be my sister, Jessica.  Let me tell you about my sister.  First she is 9 years younger than me, so it was like having a real live baby doll to play with.  Also, my sister is VERY Book smart, she has like 20 masters degrees and still wants more..HOWEVER, she is not very "street smart" which is a nice way to say she has zero common sense!  But hey, come on, one or the other..book smarts or street smarts...Im special and have both!! AHAHAHAHAH  ehem...

anyway, one time when Brian and I were first married we lived in Harrisburg, PA and Jess came to visit.  She was probably about 12.  She was a very innocent 12-year-old.   Brian and I took her to our favorite restaurant at the time, IHOP.  We order our usual; I got pancakes and french fries (yea, carbs and more carbs) and brian got pancakes and onion rings. (we order strange combinations okay).. So Jess gets the pancakes too (no strange side dish for her) and she is sitting across from us in the booth. 

So the food comes and you know we're preparing our pancakes and stuff.  Now let me just say that IHOP brings out their pancakes with a big GLOB of butter that looks like they used an ice cream scooper.  All of a sudden, my sister takes the big glob of butter and just plops the entire thing in her mouth.  I mean, its a huge glob...so brian and I both just stop what we're doing and we're just STARING at her...Im thinking, she knows this is butter right...so Jess, not wanting to be embarressed, she totally tries to play it cool and she takes a big swallow and then drinks her water real fast then tries not to gag the butter up.  I was like, "JESS...does mom know you eat like that"...she's all "what" still playing like she meant to swallow a pound of butter.  I was like, "Dude, what were you thinking swallowing all that butter."  She proceeds to say, "I thought it was ice cream"   UHHHHH, when was the last time you got pancakes with ice cream...then we all started laughing hysterically and she was like, "I think I'm gonna be sick."  Oh yea...thats my sister. 

But wait, I just thought of another thing she did once.  This is like 4 years ago or something so she was an adult and we are at the pool at the YMCA watching the boys swim when all of a sudden my sister goes..."Duhhhhh, no open wounds in the pool...like they need a sign."  I was like "whhhhhhhhat"...she said, "yea, look, no open wounds."  Im looking around thinking, I've never seen that written anywhere. I look to where she's pointing and I say, "UHHHH you mean the sign of the person diving into the pool with a big circle and a line through it."  we both just lost it...she was like, "ahahahahahaha I ahahaha thought ahahahaIt was an open woundAAHAHAHAHAH"  Okay, how many of you know what the universal picture is for an open wound....again, my sister is REEEEALY book smart!!! 

Swimming Pool Debaucle

    So, you may know that we got some holes in our pool liner and had to replace it. I have a habit of getting it into my head that I can take on projects that require multiple people by myself. This has escalated since my baby boys have turned into mini-men and are strong now.  That coupled with the fact that I can watch how-to videos on youtube just enables my disasters. So, a few weeks back when it was a really nice Saturday, I decided that we were going to do the pool. (just a side note, I try to do a lot of stuff for brian since he is works full time and I work from home part time, so he doesnt have to worry about finding the time to do said "things," which inevitably usually ends up with me totally wrecking it and making more of a mess for him to do, but we have been doing this for 17 years and I don't forsee me changing anytime soon).

     K, anyway so the boys and I get out there and I cut the liner out (like I saw in the youtube video) and start taking the top part off of the pool to get the rest of the liner off...so far so good. We end up getting bailey inside of the pool ( we had to use a chair and a step ladder and help him in it was pretty comical) so he can start to remove the liner and even out the sand and stuff. Well I get everything off and start working on the light.  Well, my uncle Gary must of used his superpower strength that day to put the light on because I could NOT get this darn thing to come off. I was prying and pulling and twisting and cursing...oh wait did I say cursing, ignore that...it was now 30 minutes of me trying to get this darn light off, Baileys still trapped in the pool and Noah kindly asks him if he wanted a sandwich and a drink...(Wow they DO care about one another) So noah gets bailey his stuff and he stands there and says, "He's just like a zoo animal. We can feed him, make him do tricks." Me, "Doing tricks would be the circus." Noah, "Oh, yea, right...anyway, we can feed him and watch him go crazy because he cant text anyone." (I had taken the phone away because its just too distracting when I need him to do something). Finally it gets to be an hour of me struggling with this light and bailey and I had to just break it to get it off.

     By this time it had been over an hour I was working on the light alone...Bailey is going stir crazy in his zoo cage and noah is standing outside just antagonizing the situation, like "Look at me, I can go in the house, out the house, in the house...I can go all over the yard.  Where can you go??? that's right, just your cage" then started the "You're and idiot" "well your gay" back and forth about 50 times before I scream "SSHHHHHHUUUUUTTTTT UUUUUUP, GOSH."

So, I have the light off and now we need to get the liner in...so Noah and I bring the liner over to bailey.  Bay starts to open the liner up and I'm thinking...man that thing looks small, but the pool dudes know what they're doing right..  Anyway, bailey gets one piece of the liner over to noah.  I am directly across from him and the liner CLEARLY is not going to reach me.  so there's yelling again, come on bailey use your teenager strength...pull the liner...well, not matter how hard he tries he is NOT going to stretch the liner to make it work.  So, I go over and check the box...Sure enough, this liner is for a 21 foot pool, ours is a 28...ooookkkkaaaayyy, so a day of work totally wasted.  The funny thing is it says SMith on the box, so obviously there was more than one SMith that ordered a liner...IMAGINE THAT....

      All day it was beautiful, no wind, nothing..then all of a sudden God thought it would be fun for it to get windy out. So, remember, I had taken the top off  the entire pool. I should of only taken a few at a time, but no, on the youtube video they took them all off (they also had about 10 workers helping).  SO the wind is getting CRAZY and the sides of the pool start to shake and get wabbley...UH-OH...then the wind picks up and one side of the pool falls in...so we're screaming, quick bailey push that side up...noah go help him...then another gust of wind and the other side falls in...


Okay, this is where it gets good and we introduce a new character in the story called "Drunk Neighbor" we'll refer to him as DN for short!!  He actually lives up the road so any of you who know my neighbors he is not next door..those are the helpful neighbors and the ones behind us are "those who dont look at us."  That name explanation will be another blog. 
 
So, DN is riding his bike by and yells, "hey do you guys need some help."  REally, do I even need to answer this question...me: "yes, that would be so helpful."  So he rides up into our yard and says, "let me take my bike home and see if I can get my roommate to help."  As he's leaving he says,"What are you gonna give me to help."  REally DN, really, Im trying to hold my pool up, and you're going to ask for something when you OFFERED to help. I just looked at him and said quite sarcastically, "How about my love and kindness."  So he kind of chuckles and rides off. 
 
A few minutes later he comes back carrying a wal-mart bag..whatever, maybe he grabbed some tools.  Let me just take this time to describe this kid...He's really tall and lanky, he just reminds me of like rubber man or something, just like all arms and legs, and he just has that punk look about him...anyway, so he gets in the poll and Announces..."Okay, if Im going to help, Im in charge you all listen to me...do yea hear me"...(thats like his tag line or something..its incredibly annoying and he says it like right after EVERYTHING he says and does not even give you time to think of an answer let alone say anything) 
 
     So the wind picks up and one side of the pool falls in and he goes running all arms and legs to grab it...then the other side goes down and he turns and runs to that side.  This actually goes on for about 5 minutes...me and the boys just watching lanky rubber boy running back in forth pretty much in circles not able to keep up with the wind and the whole time hes screaming, "this is Bull*&*, this is BUll*#&#"  Ten he says to Noah.  "hey Buddy, go to that bag and get me a beer." what, we're taking a beer break.. so he opens a beer and literally chugs the whole thing..I guess all the running around made him thirsty.   Then he looks at me and says, "I wish you would of told me you were doing this today, then I could have been here from the beginning and made sure it went right."  Okay first, I dont even know your name so WHY would I tell you...and second you're annoying me.  
 
    By this time it is windy like crazy and the pool has come of of the track completely and there is sand in the track and its just a mess...so I make an executive decision that we're just going to take the pool down and start over another day.  Again DN starts with this is BS and I wish you would of told me you were doing this...didyahearme.   *OMG SHUT UP*.
 
So, we're trying to get the screws out that holds the wall together and DN the expert doesnt like the tools I have.  So, he keeps calling bailey "Willy" and says, "hey Willy, got get me a ratchet"...hahahahhahah like he knows what that is...anyway, then he's like do you know what a ratchet is...canyouhearme...answermesoIknowyou'rlistening.  (he gets that in real quick remember).  Anyway then our helpful neighber peeks around his garage and is like do you need help and he brings us a ratchet.  Well DN decides to have a rant about me, right in front of me....and he says..get ready..."This is why I hate working with women."  OMG, I seriously wanted to hurt him....Im not being dramatic, like I pictured myself grabbing the wrench and just beating him.  I was seeing RED. It took everything I had not to go off on him because Im trying to set a good example for my children...MAN THAT WAS HARD!!  So, the good neighbor walks off chuckling because he KNOWS I want to kill DN.  
 
    We start to get the pool down and I'm trying to tell DN how to roll the thing up and he's all like no you'll dent it. Then he proceeds to tell me that he KNOWS what he's doing because he took 3 years of carpentry in high school, didyahearme....I took 3 years, I know what Im talking about"....REally ding-dong and how many pools did you put up during your 3 years of wood shop?  AAARRRGGGGHHH.  So finally I convince him that rolling up the side wall will be just fine.  He's calling bailey Willy and noah just kid (which by this point he has had noah get him like 5 different beers from the magic Wal-Mart beer bag).  He calls bailey Willy for like the 100th time and I scream, HIS NAME IS BAILEY NOT WILLY...THATS NOAH AND HE IS BAILEY.  And DN looks at me like Im totally off my rocker and says, "Oh Okay," He turns to NOah and says, "Hey WIlly get me another beer."  and looks at bailey and says "bailey help me with this pool wall." 
 
Finally we get everything situated and Im just like, "okay, we got it from here you can go" and DN is like, let me help you clean up. Me "NO no, its okay, we got it....really you can go"  SO as DN is leaving (which he left all his empty beer cans for us..thanks loser)  I said to him, "Im sorry I dont have anything to give you."  He sarcastically says " Yeah, whatever....You do know where I live right, in that apartment building"  Im like "yeaaaa" In my head Im thinking what a subtle way to try to tell me you expect something...how bout this, next time I see you on your bike Ill refrain from running you over. 
 
In the end, I got the pool up after I cooled down a few days, and I will NEVER EVER take on a project like that by myself EVER AGAIN....*wink-wink*

Happy Recovery Thursday

We drove past a church last night and it said, Happy Recovery Thursdays. They must do like an AA type thing there, we had the following conversation.

Brian: "Happy recovery Thursday"
Me: "What"
Brian: "HAPPY recovery Thursday. Back there, the sign says happy recovery thursday.
Me: "Umm, you have to be addicted to something to celebrate a recovery, you're not an addict, you can't celebrate."
Brian: "Wonder if they make greeting cards for Happy Recovery Thursday."
Me: "Well, its Friday anyway so it doesnt count."
Brian: "Awww, we missed it, we'll have to write on our calenders for next week."
Me: "Idiot, you are NOT addicted to anything, you CANT CELEBRATE."

Long Silence......

Brian: "Hello, my name is Brian, its been 4 hours since my last Cadbury Cream Egg."

Yes, we seriously have these kind of conversations!